When no one is needed, or there is someone alive? December. A month of summing up, evaluating yourself and others and hoping for new happiness. But happiness is the fullness of life, harmony, communication, the desire to move on. And how often we lose this state, withdrawing into ourselves, sorting out past grievances, remaining alone with our pain and obsessing over the past. Today we will talk about a specific state of loneliness, which is usually denoted by the word "illusion". We are used to linking the state of sadness, melancholy, sadness with a break in relationships, disappointment in love, loss of intimacy. The feeling of the end, the loss, the mismatch really evokes such feelings. We need to experience certain states of mind in a depressive manner. We are visited by existential thoughts about the meaning of life, about loneliness, about death. This is how a person goes from despair to humility. Alone, you think about the fact that each person is vulnerable and that it is so easy to get lost among people, to feel invisible, insignificant and unnecessary. It seems that such times in a person's life are natural. Depending on childhood trauma received in early relationships with parents, such periods are lived easier or harder. But one way or another, we sometimes need to mourn, grieve, in order to re-feel the significance of human communication and closeness to people. The contrast of experiences makes life exciting, lively, complete, whole. And after disappointment, there is hope, a desire to live, to enjoy life with renewed vigor. In a state of such depression, there is nothing terrible and unnatural, it is not of a clinical nature that threatens the health and life of a person. A short blues has a natural and dynamic connotation for many people. It is believed that depression is also formed due to the stopping of desire, or, in scientific terms, the frustration of need. For some reason, it turns out to be impossible to get what you want. There is anger, impotence and, as a result, psychological protection - depressive indifference. Anyone who is depressed knows exactly what brings joy and pleasure in life, but at the moment of depression, for some reason, cannot receive and experience it. Often such a stop on the way to the goal is real. Impossibility is formed by a situation or unwillingness of another person. When someone refuses to meet your desire or the situation does not have the resources to get what you want. As, for example, in the fairy tale "Twelve Months" it was difficult to get snowdrops in the middle of winter. But in a fairy tale there are fabulous resources, but in life, unfortunately, one has to reckon with the impossibility, with the pace, time, and material limitations. But it happens that such a stop of desire is not real, but subjective. It is associated with retroflection, when a person stops himself, believing, or rather fantasizing, that either he or the other to whom the desire is addressed, or the space is not ready for the realization of his need. Such a person is afraid and does not risk even checking the real situation. He hurts himself about his own holding himself back from action. And that energy that can be directed to life, joy, pleasure and fulfillment stumbles, stops and turns its way back to the person himself or freezes, turning life into boredom. Symbolically, this is like giving up on life or giving up on excitement. A person extinguishes himself, his excitement and freezes his life or gives it a painful character, namely, he suffers from various forms of psychosomatics. So depression takes the form of curtailed aggression. Striking oneself like a scorpion, a person certainly looks and feels depressed, tired, powerless or irritated. To get out of this state, it is enough to find a desire that cannot be fulfilled: “What do I want that is now impossible?” When the answer is found, it is necessary to voice it and acknowledge the existence of such a desire. This is already half the battle and will greatly facilitate the situation. Then there are different possibilities of how to deal with this desire: either look for different ways to realize it, or frankly mourn the impossibility of its realization and really say goodbye to it. Experience shows that if you do not stick to the same habitual forms of achieving the goal, but focus on needs, then in most cases it is possible to get what you want. But it may not happen in the way expected, and not with the people with whom it was originally imagined. Control over the forms of realization, over actions and over behavior (both one's own and other people's) often overshadows the need itself and does not make it possible to satisfy it. It is difficult to get rid of such control alone - the help of a psychotherapist is needed here, because it is impossible to change the usual ways of life, behavior, perception, implementation without their awareness or simply by will. What is not conscious will control us, not we control it. Awareness is hindered by its own defense mechanisms, which, even when they are determined, do not go away only at the desire or unwillingness of a person. We need someone alive nearby who will support the changes by organizing a contact of a different format. So, if your loved ones are used to not believing in you, you need someone else who will believe in you. If your parents make decisions for you and do not respect your boundaries, you need someone who will wait for your decision and will respect it. If you rush about in anxiety and pester your loved ones, and they are indifferent to you, you need someone else who will stop you in this fuss and tell you about their attitude towards you. There is another form of depression - this is a kind of romantic or fantastic way of escaping from reality. This is a form of hiding a secret unfulfillable desire and also a way to suffer from this knowledge: "I know that what I want from life is impossible, and therefore I will suffer forever, stubbornly ignoring reality." Such defensive idealization is, of course, a sign of fear of life, fear associated with one's own rejection. Such a person was rejected or criticized in early childhood. And his life form is chronic depression (probably beginning in infancy). It is difficult to approach such a person in order to help him. He rejects everyone and in communication is strict, critical, cynical - in general, unpleasant. But intimacy and acceptance is the only thing that can help such a person establish a real relationship with life and stop suffering. So people are suffering. Ordinary human suffering comes from others hindering our desires. This is very possible, it happens quite often in life and leads to anger, sadness and the search for new forms of achieving goals and satisfying needs. But unusual suffering is associated with the fact that a person's ideas about the world, about himself and others do not coincide with reality. Such a discrepancy can endlessly hurt a person and fill his soul with incessant conflicts and contradictions. In this case, neither the offender nor the traitor is needed - no one who would interfere with the receipt of life's joys. In this case, no one is needed to make your life hell. Of course, initially such inconsistencies of ideas and reality were formed in contact with parents, in childhood. However, then the world of fantasies and defenses developed independently. Such unusual suffering spoils the life not only of the person himself, but also of his environment. And to the question that is increasingly of interest to people in our time: “Why do they go to a psychotherapist or why do they pay so much money - for talking?” - the answer exists, and for a long time. They go to turn unusual human suffering into ordinary and be able to live their only life not in fantasy and not in the fight against windmills, but in reality, gaining real experience and developing, as it should be for a person from birth to death, instead of getting stuck in childhood and all my life to be afraid of life, tormenting others. The most severe form of isolation from life is narcissism. Well, the most severe form of isolation from life is narcissism. This phenomenon is quite common nowadays. Early matured or early aged children. Adults, confident in their magnificence and suffering from their own insignificance alone. People who spend all their vitality on creating and maintaining an invented image of themselves. Partners incapable of close and warm relations. Cold and cruel parents, striving for everything to be done perfectly, but giving neither love nor human warmth ... Such a closed cycle of a narcissist in nature makes his life cynical, cold, insensitive and bitter. It is painful to live in a relationship with such a person. He does not need living people, but objects and functions. He does not need anyone, he does not need anyone alive, he does not even need himself alive - he needs himself magnificent and the best, in order to enjoy his own reflection in the water alone. Thus, loneliness is different from loneliness. From crisis to isolation, from a state of renewal to a complete refusal to face life, there is a long distance. Be sensitive to what is happening to you and seek help if you care about your quality of life. Let the new year bring into your life the renewal that you are waiting for! Sincerely, Elena Baeva, psychologist, psychotherapist, trainer of the Moscow Gestalt Institute, head of the Sostoyanie shopping center.
Good afternoon, I have never turned to a psychologist, but apparently the moment has come. Married for 20 years, married with a husband for great love, they themselves created everything that we have now - housing, a car, prosperity. At one time, one husband worked, received good money, I started working after my studies, a son was born, now he is already studying at the institute. I always tried to please my husband, and work, and home, everything is fine. In recent years, I began to notice that he sees nothing but work and his hobby, does nothing at home, I solve all common problems. He didn’t pay much attention to me before, I hinted at everything and organized it myself: the rest, I directly said what I needed to do or what kind of gift I would like. Apparently she ruined everything. He felt so comfortable: the child grew up, his wife is constantly at work, if necessary, she will hint or do it herself. Recently, he arranged such a life for himself - work, then a couple of hours he plays billiards, beer at home and sleep. And so every day. I started talking about it to him - of course, I don’t like it. Scandals began. He has one excuse - leave me alone. I understand that I myself allowed him to live carefree. I don't know what to do, how to fix the situation. I'm tired of swearing, I'm already tired of enduring and seeing his indifference. At the same time, I love him, he is a good person, a wonderful father. It turns out that I try, but he does not need anything other than his own interests.
Thanks for the help!
Irina, Russian Federation, 38 years old
Family Psychologist Answer:
Hello Irina.
//It turns out that I'm trying, but he doesn't need anything other than his own interests.// And you? It turns out that you are trying all your life for him and for the sake of your family, but what have you done FOR YOURSELF? Do you have your interests? You have always tried to please your husband, but have you forgotten to create in him a similar habit of pleasing you? Or do you think it's not necessary? And then, to please is to respond to those wishes and needs that a person himself voices. And from your text one gets the impression that you acted AWAY of his needs, that is, in places you created needs for him that he did not even have time to tell you about! And then, it turns out, you expected a similar action from him. But he thought that you were doing everything voluntarily, and therefore did not consider that he owed you anything in return. And you are right - you yourself taught him that his needs are fulfilled, and yours can be ignored, because you yourself did not notice them. Read the article "Why a person should not forget about his needs" on my website, you will understand the situation a little deeper. And what to do now - you can try to disconnect from your husband temporarily, let him live as he sees fit. And take care of yourself and your needs. Your hobbies, your business. Stop trying and please, do only the most necessary, and first of all - what YOU need. Perhaps then the husband will need to formulate for himself what he really needs, what he doesn’t need, to separate these things, and also to understand that in order to have enough of your attention, he should also make some effort. Only it is worth doing all this without demonstrations, without anger, with love - both for him and for yourself. For now, you can express love for him through accepting him as he is, and love for yourself through the formulation and satisfaction of YOUR needs.
Sincerely, Nesvitsky Anton Mikhailovich.
In my life, I came across several men whom women usually characterize with the capacious and offensive word “scumbag”. They suffered for years from abstinence, unrequited love and being in the friend zone. I analyzed what they had in common. It turned out 10 traits of a man who no one needs!
1. The brightest and most conspicuous thing was this: they openly told everyone that they were not of interest to the opposite sex. No, no, so that, they say, I'm a vile slug that no one gives. No.
It was something like: where are you my only one who will choose me unlike others ... Nobody needs me for three hundred years ...
So he said it - and everything seems to be the same.
But some contemptuous feeling from the series is already splashing in you - well, you are a slug.
2. In such a man, disorder, dissatisfaction with life constantly shows through. And he blames others for his failures. For example, yes.
- I have no stake, no yard, only a paralyzed mother. And all why? Because my wife, a bitch, robbed me during a divorce, and she put me out with nothing. And the boss, bitch, presses, does not give a bonus. Eh, they didn't teach me a new computer program. Now here I sit without a bonus ...
3. The man scored on himself and looks frankly bad. His clothes were bought 20 years ago, his shoes are worn out, he smells of cheap cologne and complexes. Unsportsmanlike, weak, clumsy.
4. If he works in a women's team, then he allows his colleagues to frankly sit on his head. Responds with consent to any requests, afraid of offending someone. He considers himself obliged to look after the ladies - colleagues.
5. Talks about himself as if he were a child. There are many diminutive suffixes and expressions characteristic of women in his speech. For example, for lunch, he buys "pink yogurt with strawberries." Booee...
6. I am sure in advance that I have to pay something for intimate favors. It is read at the level of instincts. As a result, the fool is simply milked. A normal man understands that he did not find himself in the garbage heap. And if he pays for coffee, he considers it a tribute to tradition, not a bribe.
7. Allows you to keep yourself in the friend zone for a long time, serves as a vest for a woman.
8. Not able to make responsible decisions, succumbs to difficulties. This is partly why he feels confident only with very young girls, almost schoolgirls.
9. He is simply an empty, uninteresting person. He is only interested in himself and his own troubles. He is unable to be interested even in the woman he is trying to court!
10. He considers himself defective and therefore deliberately selects for acquaintance those women whom he considers ugly!
What else to add here? What repels women?
Feeling the fact that no one needs you arises in childhood, when your parents are not up to you, they have their own problems, work, personal life. You seem to be there, but they do not notice you. There is no one to share your childhood joy with, or ask for advice. And really get advice and understanding, and not just another slap on the back of the head and indifferent: "Go away, don't bother." We bring from childhood to adulthood a feeling of uselessness and loneliness. And when a guy leaves you at the age of 18, you feel like the most ugly and disgusting, with whom they don’t want to be together. And when your husband leaves you at the age of 35, everything just collapses: "No one needs ..."
All people the same. We all want to be needed, important, in demand. Being needed by someone is the most pleasant feeling that gives rise to joy, pride, tenderness in the soul, and many more of the same positive ones. But what to do when it is as if the whole world has conspired against you, and you feel so unnecessary?
Offer and demand
Need be in love and being loved is equally powerful, and it is impossible to choose just one. In childhood, we don’t think about it, we already love everyone by definition. But the child often requires love for himself. Capricious, freaking out, stomping, doing some unthinkable things. And all this so that we, adults, pay attention to it. A child's affection is unconditional, you just give him attention, indicate his importance in your life, and you become the center of the universe for him, the most important person on earth. It turns out that everything is simple? Is it enough to offer a person your attention, and he will answer you in the same way?
Kingdom of Crooked Mirrors
Unfortunately the world adults uncle and aunt is formed from children to whom at one time their parents could or could not instill a sense of "need" in this world. Now the slightest neglect of your feelings raises the childish pain to the surface: "You don't love me!" Uncertainty that people around you need you gives rise to low self-esteem, an inability to develop your talents, a gloomy character, and even aggressiveness. And here is a vicious circle! You do not develop because you are sure that no one needs it, but you do not need it, because you are closed on yourself and your problems, and you do not go towards people.
Really impossible force another person to love you, it will not work to become necessary for him by force. Be capricious as in childhood and stomp your feet? No, I'm afraid this trick will not work. The world around you is strangers to you, everyone is busy with himself. And it’s not a fact that if you reach out to someone and open your heart, he will open his to meet you. Maybe he is just as sure that no one needs you, or you are going to meet him on the wrong road. Do you always reciprocate attempts to please you? I bet you don't even notice most of these attempts by others. What do we give, what do we get? Sometimes it only seems to us that we give what a person needs, but in fact we only amuse our own egoism.
Step forward
Imagine that comes someone to you and says: "I want to be needed by you." Everyone will have the same reaction to such a statement: "So do something for me to become necessary to me!" Probably, we have only one way out: to start working on ourselves and on our attitude towards people. Do you want to be needed by a person? Do something nice for him. Let it be just a compliment and a smile. People like to be approved. Do you want to be indispensable? Do little “pleasures” for a person that no one will do for him in everyday life: prepare morning coffee, do a foot massage in the evening, take care of a warm scarf or a ticket to your favorite concert. Do you want to be asked about your rich inner world? Have you already taken an interest in the inner world of another? Be interested in people more than they are in you. Let this be your selfless contribution to your own future "necessity".
Deaf as in a tank
Do you know what you need fear? Impose your care and attention on someone who really does not need them. If a person neglects you, if not a single gesture of your attention was reciprocated, is it necessary to spend time and effort on overcoming indifference? The best way out is to leave. Not in the literal sense, you can just stop putting your soul into useless relationships, and direct your attention to something else. You can't always get what you give.
You can give a thousand advice, and a hundred times to be open, wise and loving, but when you were offended deeply and painfully, it firmly settles in your soul: "No one needs it."
I recently read an uncomplicated history about a girl who was crying on a bench because her boyfriend left her. When the little one asked her why she was crying so bitterly, she replied: "No one needs me." The boy looked at her in bewilderment: "No one at all? Aunt, did you definitely ask everyone?"
Life not finished yet. Indeed, we have not yet asked everyone ...
A woman in the modern world opens up so many opportunities! She can build a career, travel, create, engage in her cultivation and live for her own pleasure. Why bury yourself in everyday life? Why does she need a family?
Legitimate questions that arise for one who observes, alas, not too friends, the exhaustion of mothers with many children, the eternal concern of wives who are forced to constantly keep in good shape to preserve what has long since collapsed - a prosperous family.
"I will not live in illusions, she says to herself. “I am extremely honest with myself. I don't need all this romantic crap. I need . I don't want to follow social patterns. I only have one life! And I want to fill it not with what everyone fills it with: family problems and washing dishes. And really important events. I will make it a continuous celebration of diversity. It will have endless journeys. Knowledge of the world. A job that brings me pleasure. Love, free and not obliging, not binding me. And I myself will be responsible for everything!”
Tell me, didn’t such thoughts come to each of us? Someone in his youth, and someone in adulthood, after many disappointments.
"I do not need anybody!" - it's a lie
Women who say that they do not need anyone to be happy, in my opinion, are disingenuous. Or they try to convince themselves. Like, I'm above all this obsession with obligatory female (chicken) happiness near chickens and a rooster running after all moving objects of a chicken kind.All this may be so. And happiness, indeed, is not in the presence of someone nearby and not in the creation of a nominal family with all the side effects. Happiness lies elsewhere: creativity, awareness of oneself as a harmonious unit of the universe - a part of the Universe.
Only here, in order to become part of the Universe, you need to know its laws, that is. There is nothing in them about female emancipation, but there is a column about the dependence of everyone on everyone (the principle of communicating vessels), the law of Yin and Yang, the rule for filling voids, the law of giving and receiving, as well as cause and effect relationships.
If this were not so, we would not have such a huge number of unhappy women. Smart, beautiful, independent and infinitely lonely.
Yes, they have mustaches. They know their worth. They hold the bar. But they have to decide everything on their own. Take responsibility for everything and everyone, earn a living, provide yourself with housing, food, comfort, independently cope with problems and difficulties, domestic troubles and bad mood. All by herself. Always by herself.
You can, of course, start for sex. And "daddy" for material and spiritual services.
And with secret envy to look at your "unfortunate" and anxious family friends, try to prove to everyone, and above all to yourself, that you don't need this. “I can live without my family. In order to have sex, even a man is not needed today. In order to chat with someone before going to bed, you can go to the Internet.. You can, of course, who can argue. But…
Don't go against nature
But are you frank in stating this, that is the question? Are you deceiving yourselves by rebelling against your own nature?In the nature of a woman, fortunately, there still remains the ability to bear children, the need for empathy, the tendency to create and maintain a hearth. You can, of course, sublimate. And to translate these natural needs into areas of life that allow a woman to be realized professionally and personally.
But still ... sooner or later, nature will take its toll and rebel. And maybe even take revenge on the woman for neglecting her.
Unfortunately, the consequences of such an internal struggle with one's nature often result in very unpleasant relapses:
quarrelsomeness
envy,
pride
Arrogance,
,
depression
Suicide.
What to do? Do not tear your hair out if you can’t meet a worthy person in life? Why not rush at the first male that comes across, just to ring it and make it your property for the rest of your life? Not to come off on everyone who gets into the access zone, for all their dislike, bad luck and brain dust that interferes with life?
What to do?
You can follow several rules:Be honest with yourself in reality, not in words. Be aware that the statement: “I don’t need anyone” is a lie.
Do not be ashamed of your natural desires. Dreaming about love, intimacy, children, the opportunity to take care of someone and experience the care of loved ones - this is normal! We are social animals and cannot live without people. It is desirable that next to us were really close people.
Do not fall into despair or complete denial if life is not going as planned. Maybe you can be comforted by the fact that no one is perfect.
Do not strive, by all means, to become perfection, build perfect relationships and create a perfect family. This is basically impossible. What is perfect is tasteless. It has no zest, no drive. To better understand the essence of this paragraph, I advise you to watch an unusual film on this topic “Inappropriate Man” (his hero found himself in ideal conditions, where he had everything he wanted: a wonderful office, work, a cozy society of always smiling people, women, all consonants and always nice, etc. Why did he want to commit suicide?
Take steps to find loved ones. Those with whom you are comfortable, calm, pleasant, who are waiting and loving you, those to whom you can give the warmth of your soul. Don't stop if you're not lucky yet.
Do not give the search a global value. Anything too much interferes with the natural flow of life. Sometimes let go of your desires so as not to block their fulfillment.
Do not say that you do not need a family, love, children, a loved one, etc. If you voice it, the sky will believe you. And you will be left alone.
Do not be afraid to do good to people and confess your love and sympathy to them. If you make too high demands on people and constantly criticize, they are unlikely to want to be close to you. Did you yourself want to be in the place of the one to whom you are so demanding?
Believe in love! And she will come into your life to show you what it is worth living in this world for.